Welcome To The Internet; Your Facts Are Irrelevant

So, you’re new to the internet?
You are about to engage in an amazing and endless adventure filled with excitement and possibility at every turn!

(Oh, come on, you knew there was a but)
There are some things that you need to know before you get started.
Heck, we wouldn’t want to send you out there unprepared.
That’s how people get hurt.

– “Newbs” are the lowest form of life on the Internet.  You are a Newb.  Sorry.

– You will never be right again.  I guarantee that there is somebody out there, hiding, just waiting for you to make a declarative statement.
As soon as you do, they will prove you wrong…even if it’s just that you know what your own name is.
On the plus side, this does prepare you for both marriage and entry-level employment.

– Never trust anything on the internet, ever.
The internet lies, and trolls laugh at you for believing it

– If the site looks like it’s fun and/or provocative, and it’s free, well, you just downloaded a virus.

– Much like a bar, if you want to have a peaceful and productive conversation there are three topics to avoid:  Religion, Sports, and Politics
[Note: Avoidance of those topics is no guarantee of peace, but does massively increase the odds]

-NEVER, never, never, never, never, NEVER cite Wikipedia as your source for any facts NNNEEEVEEERRRR!
You _will_ be brutally victimized for this

– Also, never say to anyone in any forum “My computer says ‘Press Any Key To Continue’….I can’t find the ‘Any’ key”.  This will also lead to your being victimized, and maybe make you a target for hackers, because if you’re that stupid, your security probably sucks too.

– Remember Murphy’s Law Of Online Romance.  If she’s cute, single, over 18, and likes doing freaky things online, odds are HE is in his 40’s, is bald, overweight, and naked just waiting for you to get naughty while he decides whether tonight is a left hand or right hand kind of night.

– Rule 34.  Just say No.  And try not to think about your grandmother.

– Just like every girl is pretty after 10 beers, everybody is pretty after 10 minutes in Photoshop.

– YouTube, the quickest way to Fame or Infamy on the net.  But be warned, it never goes away, you must use caution

– ALWAYS clear your browser, search, and registry when you log off if you want to stay in a relationship.   I recommend using BeClean; http://www.scanwith.com/download/BeClean.htm

– Learn how to craft a proper password

– If you’re going to take a picture of yourself in the bathroom mirror, flush the toilet first

– Beware of Nigerian Princesses.  They never mean you well.

– When downloading software avoid links that are tagged ‘Sponsored Sites’
They paid to be first for a reason, and they don’t give the same safety guarantees

Well, those are just a few helpful pieces of advice.
Hopefully you survive the internet, not everybody does.
I think you’re ready to go forth and search the web.
Your first step should be to go to Google Image,and search “Blue Waffles”.

You did it, didn’t you?
Fucking Newb.


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