Everything I Need To Know In Life….

Everything I Need To Know In Life I Learned From Watching Horror Movies…

-Never say “I’ll be right back”

-Clowns, kill ’em on sight

-Nothing good ever comes from a secret pact

-Always check the back seat

-If someone goes to the barn/basement/garage, don’t go looking for them. They’ll come back if they’re still alive.

-Don’t taunt the killer, that pisses them off

-You don’t have to outrun the monster, just the other potential victims

-If you’re in the woods drinking by a fire, never leave the fire. Pee in your empty bottles. Sleep next to the fire.

Wandering into the woods makes you a target and tents are just bagged lunches to Evil.

-Sluts, they’re gonna die. Usually screaming and topless…just like they lived.

-Everybody’s happy when the asshole finally bites it

-Behind every killer is the mommy that fucked him up…and she’ll usually want revenge

-If you go swimming at night you’ll end up counting your own bubbles

-Smoking weed…sometimes it saves you and sometimes it kills you. Choose wisely.

-Europe, spring for the fancy hotel, preferably one owned by an American

-Jewelry; Gold is expensive and attracts muggers. Silver kills werewolves and burns vampires. Easy choice.

-Crosses, because a little insurance never hurt anybody

-Evil doesn’t believe in Equal Opportunity, the brother usually doesn’t make it

-Telephones; Landlines have cords that can be cut. Go cellular

-If the lights go out, don’t go checking the fuse. That’s what they want you to do.

-Salt; Bad for you, but worse for evil witches and ghosts

-You don’t need to know what that noise was. Just move on without investigating

-If the dog won’t go in there, neither should you

-It doesn’t matter what you are, a lawyer, a doctor, a cheerleader, a hooker, etc. To something out there you’re just meat.

-If you pull into a motel and the signs says ‘Vacancy’ but has a full parking lot, keep driving. Odds are that none of those cars have been driven since the owners were killed.

-Never ask what’s in the chili

-Mexico…you’re safer in Canada

-Hitchhikers are not your friend

-Five friends can keep a secret…once the other four are dead

-Always check the safety, and always make sure you have a full clip

-Hair spray and a lighter, because fire kills everything

-You have two hands, don’t grab just one knife

-The guest star always did it

-You see a trail blood. Don’t follow it. Go the other way.

-Sure it’s down and dying. Now’s not the time to be stingy with the ammo

-ALWAYS be nice to the creepy reject in your class/family/office/church

-Dolls never protect you from the bogeyman, but they can be possessed. Just burn them all.

-Never give permission to anyone to come inside

-Always call the police. Wait patiently for them to arrive. Then bolt when the killer’s bust eliminating them.

-Respect Cemeteries

-Dusty old books in different languages with creepy pictures should be put back where you found them.

-Mirrors, never trust them

-Fresh/charged batteries can be the difference between life and death

-Garlic, good for your heart and repels Vampires

-Look both ways before crossing the street

-Save the last bullet for yourself

-Be nice to Gypsies

-Beware of old people. They’re creepy, smell funny, and are close to death…and won’t mind taking you with them

-Don’t go anywhere with ‘scary’, ‘spooky’, ‘haunted’, or ‘forbidden’ in the title

-Never attend anything with “Traveling” in the title. They’re usually gone before the bodies are found

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